There are many things, people, and qualities about human beings that I dislike, sometimes even hate. But if I’ve reached that level, it is clear to me that I fear something that person is doing. And if they are afraid, they might need a bit of kindness to take the edge off of them.
If I had a faith in one thing, it is not God nor human beings, it IS however, that an act of kindness from me to another person, does more to dissipate hurtful antagonism than any other strategy I know. If one holds any principle similar to the Golden Rule, or professes the belief that we model behavior for one another, then to display kindness in spirit, compassion in attitude, and generosity in extending our own desire for mercy to another is the best way to diffuse pain, hurt, fear, anger, and hatred; by expressing the opposite of them.
If I am overwhelmed and my options, resources, or hopes are scarce, I am liable to be afraid, defensive and perhaps even aggressive of those who I perceive as being the source of my troubles. In my own view, attitudes of resentment held by to the brutalized child, oppressed minority, discarded poor, ignored elderly, or struggling worker, often completely understandable given the cruelty, indifference, abuse, or abandonment they have faced. They were modeled they are worthless or deserve the pain they did not invite, but have been subjected to – just because they were there and could be targeted.
I find I cannot callously assert the popular New Age adage “you created your own reality” as an excuse to ignore the suffering of others nor turn on myself the bludgeon of blame for acts committed by others upon me. But since I do not employ the notion of Karma as a defense for some material or psychological retribution I might inflict upon another, I choose to be sparing with any activity that will result in harm to another…even if by all accounts “they deserved it.” Under this logic, as Mohandas Gandhi is famous for saying that “an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.” And as it stands, many of our race have hidden their gaze from what is being done to others in their name: whether as American, Muslim, Christian, Israeli, or Hindu. I tire of our willingness to lose site of what is important and turn a blind eye toward needless suffering.
But as one seeking to be a Humane Being, I do not, and cannot, simply turn the other cheek to violence upon myself or those who have done nothing to deserve it. No, instead, I choose to stand with words, to acknowledge that those who act in violence have had violence, or the threat of violence, perpetrated upon them. Seeking peace does not mean inaction, it means taking action to help dispel violence, not perpetuate it.
One President who I admired was Jimmy Carter. Often reviled as being weak for telling the truth to us, reminded us that “A strong nation, like a strong person, can afford to be gentle, firm, thoughtful, and restrained. It can afford to extend a helping hand to others. It’s a weak nation, like a weak person, that must behave with bluster and boasting and rashness and other signs of insecurity.” I believe this assessment is more than the philosophy that Jesus ACTUALLY preached, it is also the finding of many psychologist and sociologists.
It is worth noting a clarification of both definition and substance. Americans like to believe themselves to be NICE. I really dislike word simply because of how nebulous and diluted it’s meaning. A friend mocks its linguistic obtuseness with the phrase “it’s nice to be nice to the nice.” Many people believe their own behaviors to be nice, when they are simply affirming whatever hodge-podge of attitudes they cling to. That is why I define N.I.C.E. as” ‘narcissistically indulgent cover expression’. In my experience, we’ve reversed the Golden Rule “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, where I as the main actor sets the example of how I want to be treated; with the notion, “you will do unto me as I expect I deserve.” In a very real sense, most people seldom seem to analyse how they lead with their actions or behaviors effect upon another. Instead, they are armed with the demands to get what they need from
the other person. No “walk in another person’s shoes.” But a willingness to boot the other person if they don’t behave as you believe they should.
But what I know/believe it is that only me, myself and I can choose to act. Even when I am reactive, it is coming from me. I can blame you for “making me” by your behavior, but that has always sounded like a petulant, spoiled child, or an entitled, arrogant, grown-up who believes themselves better-than another person. They both make me sick, and it is a plague amongst the human family. It is nothing more than animal dominance-hierarchy rationalized by some belief in an ordained blessing from on-high. Yet, if I have any courage in my convictions, it is up to me to respond and not simply react. If that response is to undermine or punish you, then I simply perpetuate karma.
So, as much as some people want to be free to say “hey asshole” and vomit back their bile of their own resentment or hatred, I try to pause and make sure I am accountable to my principles and not act from the same fear-based animal aggression that might be on display toward me. It is difficult to remind myself, but it seems that it is time. Otherwise, we will devolve to the lowest common denominator of kill or be killed. And so many will claim that their god gave them sanction to participate and never once account for their own personal responsibility for their choices. So, even though I am not perfect, and I do not seek anything but my own principles, this is the best path I’ve seen so far.
What do you think?